a good surprise

unlike the jester, my surprise was good.

fingers bled.

the hump got bigger, but softer.

the distance between the front and the back of my eyes is changed forever.

I am changed forever.

heartstorm

Some times, it’s a real storm inside my heart, mind and spirit.

I wish I could stop it from happening. I wish I could make it not hurt.

The past that once was is all over again

And the different perspectives

And the different age

And the different circumstances

And the different love

And the different knowledge

They make it all ok and even better.

Nap time

Oh those kisses…

The thoughts and feelings
Those thoughts in feelings

When I open my pillow
The veins pump
The reality back in
And the hair that shuts it
Won’t fly now

I wonder where have I been
Because I haven’t needed you
I have not wanted you
I need you now

The polish is matte
It blurs all the dreams
That I’m running after
And I need you now

Where have you been
Because you haven’t missed me
You haven’t needed me
I’m here now

I’m going back into that pillow
So I can rest my veins and

Maybe, oh maybe!

The reality can flow
And this hair with the wind
Can go.

If you don’t have one to fight against, what’s left?

Nothing. That just doesn’t work for me.

I will hold it inside until I have figure out what’s bothering me even if I’m the one that has to fight all alone.

Yeah, that’s crazy but I never said otherwise. And just because we never talk about it doesn’t mean it’s not there.

An awesome surprise

It’s back. He’s back. We’re back.

I’m in love once again and it feels even more surprising. I never thought I’d fall in love for the same person more than once.

The loving moments have always been great. Now they are even better. The fights we never have have turned into productive arguments and a moment to hold the other and support our feelings. All of them. The love, the frustrations, the patience, the anger, the expectations and the crash of those.

Together, we can do it all.

The way a handled my day

Being real is not something I’m used to. It’s never been easy for me to be honest to other about my feelings because I usually can’t recognize them. It used to be “bad” to say I was angry or sad or happy. There was always someone in the room that felt differently and it was not okay to feel different than others.

I remember very well when I first was taught that I had control other people’s feelings and actions adn reactions towards what I said or did. It was not exactly said “you can control these people” but that’s how my 10 year-old mind interpreted that particular situation.

I’m not feeling it anymore. I’ve believed that for most of my life but that lead me to a crazy life that became too much for me to handle. I could not be there 24/7 to make sure people were feeling and doing everything I wanted them to do. I could not control them anymore.  I was more involved with others’ lives than my own. And my life was put on hold for a real long time.

It’s time to take care of my business and live my life and my life only. I’m happy about the way I handled my day.

As life goes.

I was there at that house. We were there together for longer than we expected. I believe I wanted to be there because I didn’t know there were other places to be.

He had a friend with him and she was no one very spectacular or full of spirit.  She was just… there. They invited me in and I went in. They undress and I turned on the radio. Very loud. I walked out and closed the door behind me.

Mom and dad came over to help me move. I had a lot of stuff to carry out. I didn’t want to take any of it with me, but I didn’t want to leave it for them either. They were my things and I had decided they were going wherever I decided they should go.

He came looking for me and told me I didn’t have to leave; that everything would be OK. I looked at him and said: “I know. I’m gonna be fine..” As I walked out the door the baggage I carried with me weighed a lot. And the weight of the fear of what’s next and the pressure to make a move foward were overwhelming.

A lot of other weights were lifted off my back. I had no more fear of making a mistake or looking the wrong direction. I was strong. I found all the things I never thought I had and he made me believe I could only find in him. I was lost and scared.

And out the door I went.

As I walked in the new world my eyes were a bit blinded by the light. The rain hit my face a little too strong. The wind took the scarf off my neck. But it was as I had been under water for too long and finally surfacing and regaining consciousness and breath. It felt amazing.

Sometime later in life he told me I was everything he set me up to be. And it took me a while to see that he was right, but I did. I was weak, I was just… there. Because that’s all he could handle. A weak person that could be pushed around and make him feel in charge and empowered. I’m glad I found myself and I can honestly say he would never touch me ever again. He wouldn’t be able to handle me this way.

I was welcomed into a new world with things just as unexpected as the day goes. And I couldn’t be happier.

Me little girl

We high-fived each other.

I braided her hair.

She painted my nails.

We held hands.

We cried together.

She hugged me. I hugged her back.

We held that moment for a few minutes in our hands and we splashed it on the wall.

Me little girl is trying to get some love. I’m trying to give some too.

Let’s play.